Transformation by Vision

I've now progressed to Chapter Three: "Character," in Josip Novakovich's book Fiction Writer's Workshop. I've found that describing a scene, particularly from memory, is more difficult than I imagined.

For instance, in writing a very short illustration of The Alley as taken from the 1984 cult classic film The Terminator, I had neglected a great deal of detail about the contents of the alley (I'd forgotten how many discarded newspapers there were, water pipes running up the sides of buildings, the shapes of the buildings themselves). I saw the film again over this past weekend, and realized that I had described mainly the darkness and what I remembered about alleys in general, not this particular alley.

How much more difficult will it be to describe a person and to make that person seem convincingly real? What sort of person should I describe? Should I use an aspect of my own personality, someone I know, some famous or historical figure, a mythic being from some ancient tale of lore...a combination?

In the opening pages of this chapter, Novakovich describes the "conversion" of the Apostle Paul, what changed about him and what didn't. Of course, he takes the traditional Christian view of the Apostle whereas, my own internal image of "Rav Sha'ul" is somewhat to drastically different.

So I have my starting point, I think...

For the basis of the following short character piece, please open a copy of the Bible to the New Testament, and read Acts 9:1-19

"I would never write about someone who is not at the end of his rope."

-Stanley Elkin

His traveling companions gently deposited the Pharisee at the edge of a sleeping mat in a small, rented room just off of Straight street in Damascus. This wasn't how they'd imagined entering the city, nor was Sha'ul the man with whom they had traveled from Jerusalem. Only hours ago, he was a fiery zealot (though not literally associated with the Zealots), breathing murderous threats against the disciples of a Rav named Yeshua, who had died and supposedly been resurrected, vowing their imprisonment or destruction for (supposedly) speaking against the Temple and the Torah.

Sha'ul's once penetrating gaze had dimmed, and wide-open but unseeing eyes had become dulled in the aftermath of the blazing light that bathed their party on the road approaching this city, and a voice only Sha'ul could clearly hear had spoken to him of things astounding and forbidden.

"We will take our leave of you now, my Master," Simeon nearly whispered to the once vital but now strangely shrunken, frail Pharisee. "We need to secure our own rooms." Sha'ul seemed deaf as well as blind for he did not respond. "We'll bring back food."

Without turning toward the speaking man, Sha'ul faintly nodded his ascent as if he could still see the unknown vision from the road. Simeon and his two cohorts quickly escaped the oppressive presence of the now sightless and helpless minister of justice against the religious sect they'd learned was called "The Way." Their once proud mission was reduced to ashes.

Although it was highly irregular, Simeon would send one of their group back to Jerusalem with a message for the High Priest, who, a Sadducee, had consented to issuing letters of authority to the Pharisee Sha'ul permitting him to arrest and remove any disciples of this Rav Yeshua from the local synagogues and return them for trial. Would the Cohen Gadol have any instructions given these disastrous events? What were they to do with Sha'ul now?

"Why do you persecute, me he said," an abandoned Sha'ul muttered to himself in dim light and utter darkness. "Prosecute me? Prosecute him? How was I to know? How was I to know there was substance and power behind these measly group of heretics?" a still crushed and astonished Sha'ul murmured.

"How was I to know that you were the Moshiach, the Son of the Most High, the resurrected one?" Sha'ul abruptly screamed, as much to Yeshua as to the blind heavens!

Hearing no reply nor expecting one, the minutes lapsed and his rapid, ragged breathing slowed. Sha'ul supposed it was the traditional time for the Minchah, the afternoon prayers, and began to daven silently to Hashem, the Most High God, His God, who had abruptly become, if not a stranger, then at least the surprising source of something unexpected, as this new dimension of reality came into focus in the Pharisee's life.

Throughout his prayers, Sha'ul's mind raced in a countering subtext of desperate thought about who he is becoming now that he has been confronted by Yeshua, whose disciples he had condemned and yet how Sha'ul is condemned by the power behind and above the sect of The Way. Sha'ul had always been zealous for the Torah, for the sacrifices, for the Temple. He had kept every Law and tradition of his people in the manner of the Pharisees. He washed up to his elbows before eating every meal, kept all of the precepts so that he was always ritually pure, even when most of the time, he was away from Jerusalem and unable to make Temple offerings.

He was among the greatest of the Pharisees, in spite of his youth. A member of the tribe of Benjamin, a Jew among Jews. He had risen quickly among his peers, but then in those scant few moments of being blasted by the radiance of Heaven, he had fallen from the brightest heights and into total darkness; from the clouds to sheol.

Only his prayers offered faint luminescence, for even now, in his humility and humiliation, Sha'ul's hope was in Hashem, Maker of Heaven and Earth. If indeed this Yeshua is the Son of the Most High...

"How, Oh Hashem? How could I have been so wrong?" Sha'ul's prayers fell in disarray about his feet like wounded sparrows. "How can I put my hope in You when I have been so opposed to him? How could I have been so right and yet discover I've been so wrong?"

Sightless eyes wept bitter tears of contrition and repentance. This is the way Simeon found him when bringing Sha'ul his evening meal, which was repeatedly refused. This is how Sha'ul spent the next three days and nights, weeping, fasting, and praying, until another man who also had a vision, but a much more gentle one, came to Sha'ul's room and introduced himself to the future servant of Yeshua as the disciple Ananias.

Sha'ul was about to receive another revelation, the second among many. The Torah, the Temple, the Priesthood, the sacrifices were eternal. But in Messiah, they could now be experienced in ways Sha'ul had never imagined.

Sharing Faith

I originally wrote this post in response to Aaron on his Honest Uncertainty blog asking people to share how they came to faith. I was going to post my response as a comment to his blog post, but, as you can see, my commentary is way too long. Decided to post it in my own blog and insert a summary and link in Aaron's blog. Here we go. First, a disclaimer. Faith experiences are highly subjective. After all, even if other people are involved in the process of a person coming to faith, ultimately it's between that person and God. There are just a ton of "marital" metaphors in the Bible, where God characterizes himself as the husband to His "bride", the Children of Israel, and Christ is cast as the groom to his "bride", the believers in Messiah. The reasoning as I understand it, involves a description of a special type of intimacy; the intimacy between the believer and God. In other words, it's personal and a unique relationship between two individuals. Of course, at some point, the "bride and groom" metaphor begins to break down (for one thing, God is perfect, so only one half of the partnership can fail to live up to his or her end of the bargain), but the important point is that the relationship between a person and God is very specific to those two individuals. There is only one God (Adonai Echad or "God is One") but there are many believers. That means each "pairing" or each relationship, while having many things in common with the other like relationships, are also very different from each other. My relationship with God is going to be different than Leah's relationship with God, than Ken's relationship with God, than Darlene's relationship with...but you get the idea. I say all this as a preface to my "witness" to explain that each person experiences his or her coming to faith and remaining in faith (it's in a state of constant renewal and adjustment and hopefully growth, just like any other "marriage") differently than any other believing person. Your mileage may vary. I was raised in a family of faith, sort of. Actually, my parents didn't really talk about God or Jesus. I guess my mother believed more than my father, at least when I was a child (that changed after I became an adult and my father's faith blossomed), but I don't recall anything being said about it. I was baptized as an infant, so there must have been some expectation that this was required. When I was in Junior High, we went to a Lutheran church. I remember two rather painful years in Catechism school culminating with me being "confirmed" in the church. Unfortunately, no one asked me about my beliefs or if I had a "personal relationship with Jesus Christ". I didn't. I went through all these experiences, including church every Sunday, because my parents took me. When I got old enough to stop going, I stopped. For all of my adult life up until my 40s, I lived a secular existence. Well, let me take that back. I had a brief "flirtation" with the Unification Church (yeah, the "Moonies"), but I participated only because I was looking for some sort of meaning in my life. I didn't particularly believe what was going on around me and, out of a lack of personal commitment to them or anything else, I dropped out of their influence. As I started to say before, I lived a liberal, humanistic, "agnostic-leaning-towards-atheist" existence for most of my adult life. Periodically, someone would enter my "bubble" and try to share his or her faith in Christ with me, but I immediately shut them down, not wanting to have that encounter with a vengeance. I eventually got married and had children and proceeded with my life as I thought I was supposed to, trying to build an education and a career. My wife was (well, she still is) Jewish, but wasn't raised as such and in fact, didn't even know she was Jewish until her early 20s (long story). When we were planning on having children, she expressed some thoughts of joining a synagogue, but her lack of experience and a sense of intimidation prevented this. For my part, I didn't object at all, but I wasn't going to take the lead in the effort either. The idea cooled and nothing was done. My wife's younger brother became a Christian when my kids were very young (and to this day, denies that his mother was Jewish at all, as if the idea is offensive to him). My kids adored him as many kids do an uncle. Whenever he came down for a visit (he lived in the Bay Area and we were in Orange County at the time), he'd worship at a local church on Sunday. He'd always ask if anyone wanted to go with him and usually my son David did. We had one very uncomfortable moment during one of my brother-in-law's visits when David, singing the praises of the Jesus he learned in Sunday school, asked why we all didn't go to church and learn about Jesus. Gee, how do you answer a question like that in front of your Christian brother-in-law, your very excited son while being completely turned off to the idea? Time continued to pass and, after the nearest drive by shooting to our home was a mile and a quarter away, we decided to move the family out of California and to a safer environment. Another very long story later, we moved to Boise, Idaho. The kids were still on the younger side of Elementary school. We started to re-establish our lives in Boise. Then things began to happen all at once. At the time, the events were innocent enough. My employer sent me to a conference and I ended up sitting next to a very nice woman named "Nancy" (not her real name). She was easy to talk to and it was nice to have someone to relate to, since I really don't like going to conferences. End of event one. The next event was that I volunteered to referee my daughter's soccer team. Understand that at the tender age of 6, kids don't display a lot of skill in playing soccer and the ref's job is mainly to make sure that the kids are kept safe on the field. The fellow who was my co-ref was named "Joe" (not his real name, either). He was a really nice guy and easy to get along with. End of event two. My brother-in-law invited us to his wedding in the Bay Area. We got to stay at his place, sleeping on the living room floor in sleeping bags. The youth pastor from his church, Matt (yeah, fake name) and his family were staying there, too (the place was pretty big) while they were having their house built. My brother-in-law and his wife-to-be were both Christian so naturally, they had a Christian wedding. I'm not hugely comfortable at weddings or any event involving lots of people, so I sat through the service at least internally squirming. Wedding and reception came and went. Lots of family related events that aren't relevant to the story, so I won't mention them. Bride and Groom dashed off to their honeymoon and my family and Matt's family spent one more night together in my brother-in-law's house before we left for Idaho the next morning. That evening "it" happened. Matt asked us "the" question. Here it is. "If you died tonight, do you know where your soul would go?" I cringed internally but was determined to try to be polite. My wife wasn't polite. I was a little embarrassed about how pointed her responses were to Matt. She had nothing nice to say about Christianity at all. The conversation went on. We reached the point where we agreed to let Mark send us a Bible and some other supportive material. The next morning came and we were on our way back home and away from our experiences of the night before. I recall though, during the drive, I remarked to my wife that the previous night's conversation made me want to take a class in comparative religion. An odd thing for me to say. Weeks passed and then months and no Bible or other packages from Matt in the Bay Area. I figured that was that. End of Story. Except it wasn't. My wife, ever the joiner and organizer, ended up being the treasurer at the local PTA. She met a couple there named Ethel and Fred (definitely fake names). They were a very nice couple. Ethel was very talkative and not shy about anything. Fred was an Idaho native, quieter than his wife, but still outgoing. They invited us to a Christmas play at their church. To my horror, my wife accepted and there I was, in a church, watching a Christmas play. The play was set in the days right before Pearl Harbor, which is an interesting historical period for me, so I was fairly engaged. I don't recall much about the play now, but one thing does stand out. Who should be in the play but "Joe", my co-ref on my daughter's soccer team. What an incredible “coincidence”. Matt's package arrived as a Christmas present. Along with the Bible, there were some books by C.S. Lewis including "Mere Christianity". The moment had passed, so our interest in these texts remained dormant...but not for long. I don't remember how it happened, but we started going to the church where we saw that Christmas play with Ethel and Fred. You know, the one where Joe was playing a character? At some point, as I was scanning the other people during the Sunday worship service, I recognized one woman, but couldn't figure out where I'd met her before. I was afraid she'd think I was a "masher" (archaic term) if I just walked up to her and said "Have we met before?" but I had to know who she was. I knew I'd seen her before, but couldn't figure out where. Oh duh, it was "Nancy". I'd only met her once months ago over a two-day conference, so I couldn't place her. Naturally, she remembered me right away. Another coincidence? In fact, I started meeting people in that church all over the place. It seemed like they were everywhere. Sure, Boise isn't as big as L.A., but c'mon, it's not that small, either. My wife, kids, and I became what they call "seekers". Actually, I'm pretty sure my kids became believers almost right away, but let me explain. "Seekers" are those group of people in churches that are there looking for something that they don't believe in yet. We are orbiting faith the way a moth orbits a light; attracted, but not sure of the risks involved. We circled closer, then farther away, then a little closer, trying to understand why we were even there and if this was right for us. Please understand, if someone had suggested, even six months prior, that I'd be going to church on a regular basis, I would have thought they were out of their minds. Yet there we were. Going to church, going to Sunday school, going to Bible studies. It was weird. Like a bit of high energy plasma inexorably being pulled towards a black hole's event horizon (I know the imagery sounds grim, but it was that kind of pull), I knew that I was going to fall past the point of no return and really soon. I was afraid of two things: 1. I was afraid of getting into something that would end up being a horrible mistake. 2. I was afraid of becoming a believer and my wife not becoming a believer. I wasn't excited about being part of a "mixed marriage" and worse, that I would be the cause of the "mix". But what could I do? I made an appointment with the Pastor. I don't recall when it happened, but I realized I was a believer. I'd crossed the event horizon and was swirling towards my ultimate destination, I knew not what it was at the time. The pastor was a really nice guy. Through my "transition" we spent quite a few lunches together. He seemed to really understand my predicament on the various levels I was experiencing it. I remember specifically that when I told him something like "I'm a believer but..." he finished my sentence "...but what happens now?” Yeah, that's exactly how I felt. He also said that he'd prayed about my wife and "felt" that I had nothing to worry about. I had no idea what this “feeling” thing was all about, but he was right. When I finally worked up my nerve to tell my wife that I was a believer, she told me she had made the same decision. She didn't want to tell me for fear of "influencing" my own decision towards faith. I know, I know. It seems as if I'm glossing over the entire point of how I came to faith. It's funny. I know of believers who can tell you the exact date they came to faith and the specific circumstances, but I'm not one of them. I can't even really tell you the exact year and I don't know the circumstances. It was just a large number of tiny events that, step-by-step, led me to my faith in Christ (the "Messiah" part is another story). Having no experience with the Bible, I read it cover to cover in a year and did that for three years straight, just to get the "source material" in my head. I'd like to say that once I became a believer, everything in my life worked out fine and I ended up growing closer to the Lord day by day in stair step fashion, but that's not the truth. 40 plus years of secular living had made its mark and I had a lot of house cleaning to do. Nothing was linear (much to my chagrin). My life became a huge mess at one point and my early journey of faith was a roller coaster ride of events and emotions that was sometimes horrible to experience. It's taken me years to get to the point to where I'm not just trying integrate faith into the rest of my life but actually experiencing faith as my life. I know this isn't what you were looking for. My experience isn't very likely to help you or anyone else understand why I came to faith or to guide anyone else into a life of faith in Christ. I also have another revelation. While becoming "saved" is certainly a critical first step in a life of faith, it's just a first step. I've met believers that seem to feel like once you're "saved", that's all there is to it. You just sit in church as if it were a bus station, waiting for your ride to Heaven so you can be with Jesus. To me, that's a terrific mistake. Faith isn't something you keep hidden in your head or your heart (like a lamp under a bowl, so to speak), it's something you live out day by day in everything you say and do. Yes, there's a goal. You can read about it in Revelation (among other places), but you aren't supposed to sit on your thumbs waiting around for it. There are all kinds of parables (bridesmaids and oil lamps, for instance) that talk about getting and staying ready. John talked about faith and action. Coming to faith is an act of...well, faith. It's a shot in the dark. It's a leap over a cliff. It's letting yourself be swept over the event horizon and into the maw of a black hole. It's scary to let go of all the assumptions, beliefs, and practices of a lifetime and begin committing to something and someone you don't understand. It's like getting married. At the time, you're sure you love the person, but you also have no idea of what's about to happen to you and what it's going to be like in the long haul. There's a quote from the film “The Matrix” that applies, believe it or not. It's when the Oracle talks to Neo about being “the One”. Here it is: “I wanna tell you a little secret, being the one is just like being in love. No one can tell you you are in love, you just know it, through and through...” That's what faith is like. No one can tell you. You can't explain it. It just “is”. Through and through. I've been married to my wife for over 20 years and it's exactly like that. At the time, I was sure of what I was doing through and through, but I didn't have a clue of what the long haul was going to be like. If someone had told me for sure some of what I'd experience in married life, I'm not sure I'd have gone through with it...not because I don't love my wife, but when love is young, it's not ready for the curve balls married life tosses at you when you're more mature. When I first came to faith, it was all new and shiny and exciting...just like a honeymoon. I was very excited to be a part of something bigger than I was and to really be loved and accepted by God. I had no clue what was about to happen to me and, if I did, I'm not sure how it would have affected my decision. No way to tell now...especially from the perspective of being a believer for over 10 years at this point. Faith is a journey. Coming to faith is just the first step. The real story is what happens afterwards. I hope some of this helps.

God and the Inauguration

I was glad to see that the prayers some people tried to prevent from happening, were able to be said at Barack Obama's inauguration. I've been wondering about this all day. While I was successfully able to follow the event just by keeping my eye on twitter, the issue of prayer, much discussed and argued over in the weeks before the inauguration, wasn't brought up once. After I got home, I scanned the online news again and discovered that Yahoo.com had covered the story (I haven't taken a look at CNN yet). At one point, the somewhat controversial Reverend Rick Warren (by virtue of the fact that he supported Proposition 8 in California), seemed to have "knuckled under" slightly, not referring to Jesus by name but "in the name of the one who changed my life". He also quoted from the Shema, Judaism's holiest prayer (Deuteronomy 6:4) "Hear O' Israel, the Lord our God; the Lord is One". He also referenced what commentators referred to as "a phrase from Muslim devotion", "the compassionate and merciful one", but this phrase is also common in Jewish prayers (I checked) and probably predates the Islamic usage. Later in the news article, it stated that Warren invoked the name of Jesus in English, Spanish, Hebrew, and Arabic, so he didn't become so "politically correct" for the occasion (pardon the obvious pun) that he withheld the name of Jesus in order to accommodate the sense of inclusiveness promoted by the event. Actually, the only unhappy comment regarding Warren's prayer came from Rabbi Gary Greenebaum, interreligious outreach leader of the American Jewish Committee, who said, "inclusive even as it was slightly exclusive", referring to the mention of Jesus and ending the prayer with The Lord's Prayer (Matthew 6:9–13, Luke 11:2–4). That's rather a faint criticism, though. Of course, if Warren is to be true to his faith and his beliefs as an Evangelical Pastor, it's unreasonable to expect that he'll pray any other way, publicly or privately. The news story also mentions some of the other religious leaders present who offered prayers, and Obama was true to his mission of offering inclusion to the faithful and the secular alike. During his campaign, Obama has mentioned his own faith more than once, but the expressions of his faith seem to include issues that those people referred to as "the religious right" would not find in their Bibles. The article made a point of mentioning that "the religious right" did seem to play a significant role in the Bush Presidency, which may be yet another reason why so many people were anxious to see Bush get out and Obama go into the White House. Is God inclusive of all things and all people? He certainly wants all people to come to Him. The problem arises when people decide how they want to define God, and go church (synagogue, mosque, whatever) hopping to find a place of faith that will be tolerant of (which these days means "wholeheartedly accept") their particular lifestyle and habits. I know from my studies of the Bible that God is not tolerant of sin (well, he's more tolerant than we deserve, but there will be an ultimate reckoning), so people tend to go "God-hopping" looking for a faith, or a faction of a faith, where "God" includes whatever they want Him to include, and often where the concept of "sin" is never mentioned. Many Christians refer to America as a "Christian Nation". Personally, the way America is going, I don't see it and haven't for quite sometime. While Obama states that his faith is Christian, his desire to include all other faiths plus non-faith (unless one has faith in Science or Society) will likely, officially define America as "not" a Christian nation for the first time in our country's history. I'm glad to see the prayers were said at this historic event. Matthew 18:20 says, "Where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." I take heart that He was there in the midst of those who have faith in God and attended Barack Obama's inauguration. May He continue to have a presence in this nation, especially at a time when so many are demanding that He leave.